We have just had two very bad days with Jacob which came out of the blue, several awful meltdowns have hit us all very badly, we had all being do so well, me and hubby had been working so hard to take more time with Jacob, concentrated on keeping life simple! getting back into the school routine had really helped, the new white board to write down what happens after school was also working so well, and Jacob loved it ! He responded well to being able to reassure himself with what he was doing when….
I think because all of a sudden we seemed to be ‘getting it right’ …..I was lulled into the false of security which seemed to whisper in my ear that all was good, that was it….was I once again back to the denial stage…
This made the Thursday meltdown feel worse than anything we had ever experienced, of course once calm had returned I knew that it wasn’t. Once we had calmed Jacob down to him it was like the meltdown had never happened! like it was erased from his mind! me and hubby sat exhausted , drained and for me very emotional! I felt I had been hit so hard! and the tears flowed once Jacob was safely tucked up in bed.
Aspergers had without warning made an awful return into our lives, it did feel like the enemy during the meltdown , by the next day my precious little boy was happy and calm and excited about school, he carried on, and so if he could I could, so Mummy dusted herself down and carried on, a little stronger, and pushing the sadness that had crept over me away, if he could be happy then I owed it to him to be the same.
Once I realised that I could no longer bury my head in the sand, I knew Jacob was on the autistic spectrum! I had to face it! this was not about me but all about him. The guilt then kicked in, I had wasted so much time, delaying admitting any problem was more harmful to. Jacob….I almost went into overdrive, marching him to the GP and announcing what I thought needed to be done, after all I had spent hours pouring over the internet reading as much as I could, I knew what had to happen, I look back and shudder thinking how I was that day, there may have even been tears.
Luckily the GP took it all in his stride and a referral was made, and we then waited for that appointment to drop onto the mat….and when it did the relief was amazing, I knew finally I had done what I should of done so many months before, we were going to get help, Jacob was going to get help and it couldn’t come quick enough for me, but then I knew it could be a long and slow process, but just the act of making that first step to a diagnosis felt good, I was finally doing the right thing.
The anxiety and worry was still there, but I think the day we went to the GP. Was the day I started to ‘grieve’ for the child I thought I was going to have and the realisation that I had a very different one, but Jacob was Jacob and I knew in my heart that nothing, not even autism would or could change that! he would still be beautiful, with deep and large blue eyes and with a smile that could melt your heart! he was my beautiful and precious boy! no matter what! our lives may take a different path! but we would be together on the journey! and we would learn and take on what came our way head on.
Eventually the ‘grieving’ gave way to strength and determination , to looking forward to the paediatrician’s appointment ……
I am not sure of the exact moment I knew Jacob was on the autism spectrum but I just did, maybe it was one day when he was about 3 , he had not long started nursery school and I had gone to pick him up and being a little early I had peered through the glass double doors into the church hall to see my precious boy playing alone…. It was maybe at that moment that Autism, the word and what it meant became my enemy, my child’s enemy and I began to avoid anything that might give me more clues to Jacob being autistic.
Why did it scare me so much ? I wasn’t sure but I knew I didn’t want to face the possibility head on, my head became firmly buried in the sand and I would do anything to avoid any direct questions or suggestions that Jacob was ‘ different’….I turned the television off if a programme n about autism or with a character that was autistic was on, threw away newspapers with articles about autism and started to convince myself that Jacob was fine, absolutely fine. Who was I kidding….?
From that moment Autism and I went into battle, a battle that lasted just over three years…and so our journey began….
Hello, Last night in bed whilst laying awake, I made the decision to start writing a blog. Now why is this ? My 8 year old son was diagnosed with Aspergers back in May of this year, I had always known but for several reasons which I hope to explore going forward I had buried my head in the sand….but by the time we finally had diagnosis I had done my ‘grieving ‘ and was ready to embrace the diagnosis , so here I am….ready to share our journey to date and where we go from here…..I hope it may help others and I hope people may find it encouraging and uplifting at a time when all seems lost.